During the summer of 23, I had become a victim of a broken friendship. 

My life had become shattered once I received that Instagram notification.

It pinged on my phone during the middle of the night ‘I think I need to tell you now but I’m pretty sure by now you have realised I have been distant. The reason is because, I can’t be friends with you anymore. As things change people move on with their lives and sometimes we lose friends. We had a good run while it lasted. I know this is going to be tough for you but it has to be done and I don’t want to lead you on anymore, I’m sorry.’

I didn’t just lose my closest friend, someone I shared everything with and who used to be someone I considered family; I lost everyone in my social circle. I lost my oldest friends whom I had been with for almost 10 years, I lost all the memories we all once shared, I lost myself. I didn’t know who I was without these people. 

I had experienced the most pain I had ever endured in my life right then, right that second of reading that notification. But then it dawned on me, the reason for this friend calling quits was due to something that happened over a year ago. This person felt like this for a year whilst still benefiting from my friendship. I gave them so much of my time being there for them through thick and thin but all that was tainted, I felt like I was just being used until I no longer offered them any use. 

I did something stupid a few days after receiving that notification. But during a time in my life when I felt like I had lost everything I held close to me, my life didn’t seem worth much. I wanted the pain to stop, I wanted the suffering to go away, I wanted to stop repeating that moment I received the notification in my head… over and over, it didn’t stop. ‘I can’t be friends with you anymore’ it didn’t stop, the repeatings in my head, the never ending words. Each time, my soul broke just a little more. Eventually, I felt like I had nothing left... 

My mind and soul had died, 

I just wanted to join them.

 I regret that day so much. My reality had become splintered and broken, I couldn’t see things clearly. 

Over time, the people in my life that stayed true offered rescue and a safe place to heal. I was in a downward spiral but my family, new friends and eventual partner healed me from the inside out. I can’t put a finger on exactly what these people said to me or what they did to start my progressive turnover, I can only guess that spending time with them was enough to know that I wasn’t nothing. Like a new pair of glasses, they corrected my vision of reality. It wasn’t just time that healed my wounds but it was spending quality time with the right people and spending alone time in nature. 

Nature doesn’t judge, it was a place to escape to.

I learned how to love myself in nature’s embrace. 

I learned to accept who I was with the security of my community.